


Boy.

by smallchittaphon



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Complicated Relationships, Explicit Sexual Content, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Online Friendship, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:08:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24866584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallchittaphon/pseuds/smallchittaphon
Summary: Dongyoung had paused to look at his reaction, "Have you thought about me?"Yes. It's my favorite pastime.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 27
Kudos: 99
Collections: (let's get away) just the two of us: dotae fan week 2020





	Boy.

**Author's Note:**

> \-- themes: day 1- change, day 2 - separation, day 7 - yearning  
> \-- [the playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4Ei7Bqyr1MabD0EHs7eK0Q?si=L71V1kf6Qpy8Ux4Q_cR4qg) but it's just for mood?  
> \-- sorry dotaers this isn't happy

< **nimrod96 >** :  _ i’m totally going to kick your ass when you land  _

< **stuckwyong** >:  _ i havent even boarded my plane yet and im threatened  _

< **stuckwyong** >:  _ what did i even do???? _

< **nimrod96** >:  _ something unforgivable _

< **nimrod96** >:  _ who even are you????? _

< **nimrod96** >:  _ do i even know you @.@ _

< **stuckwyong >** :  _ planes boarding _

< **stuckwyong** >:  _ and is this about my tweet bc i said what i said hes kinda ugly and it’s okay i like ugly men _

< **stuckwyong** >: _ i mean look @ u ;^) _

< **nimrod96** >:  _ take that back lee taeyong!  _

< **nimrod96** >:  _ billie joe isn’t ugly !!! (also have a safe flight can’t wait to see you again *___*) _

-

“Open the car door or I’m going back inside.” Taeyong grumbles. Dongyoung stares him down, rolling down his window just enough to shout, “Say he isn’t ugly and then I’ll let you in.”

Taeyong frowns, squinting against the high afternoon sun as he stands amongst a crowd of drop-offs and pickups at the airport and it's truly embarrassing. He knows Dongyoung won’t budge. He kicks the door with his shoe before he huffs, “Billie Joe is attractive.” 

Dongyoung hums, “You didn’t say what I asked but I’ll take it because I’m hungry and need to eat soon.” He sighs as Taeyong drops his bag by his foot. Dongyoung's car is so familiar but different every time he comes back to visit— whether it be the seat covers or decorative items hanging off his mirror, Taeyong always notices. This time around, the keychain Taeyong had brought back from his family vacation in Jeju-do hangs off the mirror. His fingers brush over it before the car pulls away from the curb.

-

It had all started— _ these feelings, this thing, them _ — with a little blog that took off six years ago. itsthegreendayrenaissancebby. 

Taeyong had come across it after rekindling his love for the group after years of not keeping up with them, realizing how weird everything was…  _ is _ . And it’s the interest that sequentially leads him to Kim Dongyoung. Just another kid somewhere in the bible belt and runs this blog in his spare time. 

Taeyong finds himself coming back, every week, then two days out of the week, then every other day, until he camps out in the asks box because Dongyoung becomes a comfort after a day worth of trouble. 

Dongyoung notices after a while, his alias < **nimrod96** > then and only then, knowing Taeyong by  _ yong _ alone. “Do you have a twitter?” leads to, “Hey I heard discord is great for chatting,” to, “Maybe you should come to visit.” within the span of three years. 

And so Taeyong graduates highschool, Dongyoung shortly after him and with the money Taeyong saves up from his summer job, his gas tank fully loaded and his bags packed, he sets out to drive twelve hours just to see him before their semester starts.

Dongyoung is cuter in person. 

Taeyong feels overwhelmed—by Dongyoung, by the feeling of his presence and his eyes, his lips, his voice, and  _ fuck _ , Taeyong’s got it bad. Taeyong’s in lo—

Taeyong spends the last night of his first week with Dongyoung crying as he showers, his heart pounding in his chest and sadness becoming him as he realizes he’ll have to leave soon. Leave a piece of his heart, his soul with Dongyoung in Georgia when he goes back to Texas.

“Maybe  _ I _ could come to Houston in November or December. Thanksgiving break is two weeks.” Dongyoung sings and Taeyong smiles, so bright and so big and his heart settles with the thought of four more months until we see Dongyoung again. 

That’s how it starts— his feelings growing and festering and eating at him as time passes, as months turn into years and Dongyoung comes to Taeyong and Taeyong goes to Dongyoung or they choose somewhere else to meet. For years, it becomes a tradition to see one another twice a year. Nothing as big as when Taeyong sees a new year come in Japan with Dongyoung, almost kissing but Dongyoung pulls away. It’s all too much. Taeyong’s heart stops, his hands curling his pockets and all Dongyoung does is press against his side for warmth as the fireworks set off. 

His heart trembles and it feels like it’s breaking and it all culminates into one coherent thought that pushes to the forefront of Taeyong’s mind— Dongyoung doesn’t love me back. Taeyong steals another glance at him,  _ maybe he does _ ? He thinks, already thinking back to how Dongyoung’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment, his breath hitting Taeyong’s chin, lips grazed and his fingers pressed into Taeyong’s arms. But it’s cold when he pulled away.

Taeyong doesn’t sleep in the same bed as Dongyoung that night.

-

Japan starts a series of bad decisions on Taeyong’s part.

Taeyong feels like the biggest turning point is in Paris. Paris is the point of no return for them, for him and his devotion. The city of love and Taeyong looks back at how hopeful he was there— like something or  _ anything _ could happen.

But the universe has a sense of humor, bringing out something you asked for but presented in a way you didn’t want it to play out. Taeyong realizes the weight and meaning behind each of Dongyoung’s touches— his affection seemingly amplified to no end after Japan.

Like Japan was a test and Taeyong had passed.

Dongyoung reaches for his hand more, locks their fingers together and in turn, Taeyong gives him his heart to the fullest. Lock and the key to keep. Dongyoung’s hand resting on his waist, or his chin tucked over Taeyong’s shoulder as they stand right by the railing at the top of the Eiffel Tower. His body is so warm and familiar pressed behind Taeyong, just like when they share beds back home. Taeyong lets himself think for a moment that they’re together, that’s they've set off to Paris as a couple, celebrating an anniversary and not just Dongyoung’s birthday. 

That would be ideal— Dongyoung would be his and he would kiss him at the top of the Eiffel Tower over the city of love; The romance of it all. Taeyong could pull Dongyoung close and kiss him silly like he wants to but the day ends, Dongyoung retreats to his side of the Airbnb and Taeyong is still single— still so very

hopelessly 

devoted,

inevitably,

in love.

And it feels like there’s a slim chance— a chance regardless— that those feelings are returned. Like maybe Taeyong isn’t losing his mind, on the brink of going crazy when Dongyoung reaches out for his hand during the night or when Dongyoung invites him into his bed because he’s homesick. When Dongyoung invades his space, stars in his eyes as he loves him.

“Come to bed with me.” Dongyoung whispers, his cheek pressed up against the doorframe as he peers into Taeyong’s room. Taeyong hums, gathering his things in his hands as Dongyoung leads the way back to his room. Taeyong takes his place by the window and Dongyoung excuses himself.

The night is colder, the lights off but the room lit by the string lights out in the street. Taeyong watches as a stray cat waltzes its way down the cobblestone path between buildings, losing focus as he thinks about why they’re here. How did Taeyong even get to this point in his life? How did he allow himself to give and love and put forth so much effort that isn’t given back? He chews the inside of his cheek, turning when he hears the faucet in the bath turn off; Dongyoung stands by the door frame for a second. 

His eyes unfocused as he climbs into bed. Not a word to Taeyong but a glance before they’re both laying down against the pillows. The yellow casted light suddenly became too harsh for Taeyong’s eyes, squinting as Dongyoung turned on his side. “Taeyong.” He whispers, his name so sweet on his tongue. His hand splayed over Taeyong’s wrist, “Taeyong, look at me.” 

And there’s that glint in his eye, something, nothing like homesickness. Taeyong squints harder, “Yeah?”

Dongyoung licks his lips, eyes holding his gaze like he’s starting to rethink what he wants to say before he settles on, “I want to try something out.” 

Taeyong swallows hard, “Try something?” His voice comes out weak, softer than a whisper because he’s scared. He feels like he’s about to come to one of those fork-in-the-road moments in life and something about this trip is going to change him. Something about  _ this _ conversation is about to change  _ them _ . Dongyoung swallows hard and Taeyong’s eyes follow it as it’s down his throat.

Dongyoung sighs, his lips parting before he talks.

-

The first week of Paris starts to come to an end when their conversation comes up again.

Taeyong had spent the last few days since their conversation skating around his own actions, worrying about how he acts and talks. Dongyoung tells him he feels weird for even mentioning it, "Maybe we could forget it." And Taeyong can feel Dongyoung pulling away. "No, it's fine." He whispers through his teeth, "I just feel like we haven't seen much of Paris yet and we leave next week and I already miss it.

It's a lie and the telltale sign of the quirk of Dongyoung's lip tells him that he knows it's a lie too. But Dongyoung doesn't say anything before they continue down the sidewalk. Taeyong's chest unravels and he lets his shoulders drop before he follows Dongyoung. And now he finds himself being tugged back to their Airbnb, the urgency in both of them as they trip on the cobblestone roads in a haste. Dongyoung's fingers are harsh on his wrist and he hopes they bruise.

His mind reeling with the buzz from the alcohol, heat in his cheeks as it settles and Dongyoung drops his hand to unlock the door. Taeyong turns to look around like anyone will reprimand them for giggling all the way home. The street lights flickering in and out as Taeyong gets dragged inside, his heart finally picking up and his cheeks hot not only from the alcohol.

Dongyoung smiles back up at him as the door closes behind him— his big beautiful smile knocking the wind out of Taeyong and he chuckles in disbelief as he lets Dongyoung back him up against the door. Taeyong's hands come up with ease, cupping Dongyoung's face as their lips meet. Dongyoung's mouth hot and slotting so perfectly with his own.

Fireworks. His stomach bursts with butterflies as Dongyoung's arms wrap around him, pulling him until they're flushed together and Dongyoung moans in satisfaction. His tongue follows Taeyong's bottom lip before he teases with his teeth, taking Taeyong's breath away. Only then does he pull back, his fingers brushing Taeyong's mused hair out of his eyes. "Hi."

Taeyong sags back into the door for support, chest heaving, and his mind mush. He's hard, so embarrassingly so but he knows Dongyoung wants him. His words from the other night ringing in his ear, "I've thought about sleeping with you before." Dongyoung had paused to look at his reaction, "Have you thought about me?"

_ Yes. It's my favorite pastime. _

-

Dongyoung's fingers are so delicate, full of grace with anything he does. It's one of those things Taeyong thinks he would never say aloud just because of how absurd it sounds but he notices. He likes whenever they're together and Dongyoung has to get work done, the sound of his fingers hitting the keyboard and his long, thin, knobby fingers moving fast and with practice. Embarrassing as it is, he's thought about them more than he should, and never in a million years did he think he'd be where he is now— Dongyoung's fingers in his mouth. Dongyoung's mouth is agape as he licks and coats his three fingers generously.

It's a power trip of sorts seeing Dongyoung physically shake, vibrate as he ruts against the sheets for any sort of friction. He pulls his fingers back, "Dangerous," He huffs as he drags a spit slicked finger down Taeyong's navel. Taeyong shivers, a smile on his face and his eyes big and round in that way Dongyoung told him makes his cock twitch.

Dongyoung wastes no time, fingers not teasing and it feels different from the other times Taeyong's ever had someone open him. It feels a lot more intimate and Taeyong's eyes start to sting like he's going to cry as Dongyoung fingers him open. Dongyoung leans into him, lips dragging across the skin of his neck, his body burning and vibrating with anticipation as he reaches for Dongyoung's cock.

The immediate reaction is so rewarding— Dongyoung's eyes fluttering shut, his finger's stopping their work and the muscles in his arms quaking, threatening to give out under his weight. Taeyong kisses his cheek, pulling their bare chest close and he feels both their hearts beating fast. And Taeyong lets himself thinking about that alternate universe again, where they’re lovers, where they’re having their first time together being in Paris and as Dongyoung fingers him open, as they kiss messy, as Taeyong feels full of adoration and love for Dongyoung and Dongyoung loves him.

It feels like a dream, like an eternity as they move, as they kiss so lazily and familiar now and Dongyoung’s body weight grounds Taeyong from letting his head get too high up in the clouds. It feels surreal as they breathe into each other's mouths, open in a silent gasp as Dongyoung sinks in— Taeyong finally letting out a weak breath, unsteady and Dongyoung’s hand presses against his lower stomach to feel as he thrusts in, snug. 

Taeyong sighs, “Better than you imagined?” He asks, chuckling so breathlessly and Dongyoung’s eyebrows furrow. His hips shift and Taeyong’s toes curl, his chest warm. “Baby, you’re the best wet dream a guy could ask for.” He answers and Taeyong laughs. Lets himself be kissed, be used and his heart takes it like a champ. 

His mind mush, his body buzzing as Dongyoung fucks into him with so much urgency and need like Taeyong will slip away. His fingers digging into Taeyong’s waist and thighs, reeling in the feeling of being held so tight and being fucked makes Taeyong feel so good. 

Makes Taeyong feel so loved even for a moment.

-

< **mom** >:  _ Don’t forget to give Dongyoung’s mom that Tupperware I promised her! _

< **yong** >:  _ i wont  _

Taeyong feels weird. His first thanksgiving at Dongyoung’s feels a lot more intimate than anything they’ve done before. When Taeyong had always visited  _ after _ holidays, he never wanted to impose. Especially when Dongyoung had asked last time they were together. Chicago, on the last train back to their hotel, just the two of them in their cart and he had kissed him as a token of his gratefulness when Taeyong agrees— leads them to sleep together again, but Taeyong would’ve done it anyway. But he’s only here for five days, shorter than any other time and maybe that’s for good.

He gets pulled out of his thoughts when Dongyoung splays his palm across Taeyong’s thigh. Downtown Atlanta coming into his focused eyesight before he turns to see Dongyoung glancing his way. He covers Dongyoung’s hand with his own. “What do you want to eat?” He asks as they hit traffic. 

Taeyong hums, their fingers lacing and Dongyoung’s thumb rubbing over his knuckles. “WaHo?”

Dongyoung pulls Taeyong’s hand into his lap, traffic standstill and he brings it to his lips— a soft tender kiss grazing his knuckles.  _ Electrifying _ . His fingers twitch and Taeyong can already tell how the night will end, how they’ll end up. “Last time we went WaHo, you complained about how they made your hashbrowns.”

Taeyong squints as he lets his fingertips graze Dongyoung’s bottom lip. “Then what do you want to eat?” 

And Dongyoung’s smirk tells Taeyong all he needs to know as he sags back into his seat.

-

There’s practice, ease, and familiarity that comes with kissing the same person for years. Something nice and appreciated that comes with the way your hands move into a place they’re meant to, like that spot of their body is specifically carved just for your hands— your thighs winding around their hips so comfortably. It’s a comfort to hear Dongyoung’s short breaths against his own lips and his soft cheeks under his palms as they kiss slowly. 

Taeyong knows Dongyoung likes to bask in they’re intimacy each time— likes to pause with each step, with each article of clothing removed, each gentle squeeze of fingers on skin and a hot tongue in his mouth. Taeyong adores it, reels in the feeling of Dongyoung’s body so close and so real against his. Grounding when Dongyoung sinks in so easy and his breath stops along with his heart and Dongyoung’s fingers grasping at his wrist so tight. 

His fingers feather across his skin and their palms pressed together and Dongyoung presses another bruising kiss to his lips to dizzy him, he's sure. Distracting as Dongyoung links their fingers together, pressing their hands hard into the pillows as he pulls back, a body shiver racking through Taeyong from the second of cool air before Dongyoung thrusts into him deep and controlled as stars bursts behind Taeyong’s eyes. 

All the oxygen and all the logic leaving Taeyong’s mind. He had promised himself he wouldn’t allow this anymore but could he really help himself when Dongyoung is so intoxicating and so addicting? When Dongyoung’s expression of bliss is so beautiful from the swell of his lips to the sweat on his brow and their hands—  _ oh _ their hands linked and locked tight like they never want to lose one another, like all the time in their world belongs to them and this moment where they’re so connected. 

Taeyong shuts his eyes so tight, willing back the burn of tears in his eyes because  _ fuck _ , he wishes he could tell Dongyoung this. He wishes he could tell Dongyoung he loved him as Dongyoung kisses him senseless, greedy and needy like he does when they fuck. 

_ Kim Dongyoung _ , He thinks as Dongyoung kisses his temple to distract from his fist working Taeyong up,  _ If only you knew how much I love you _ .

_ Kim Dongyoung, if only you knew how beautiful you are. _

-

Dongyoung is insatiable.

Taeyong has the unfortunate pleasure of learning this after Paris. It’s like once Dongyoung gets a taste, he will come back. And it seems like where they land, wherever Taeyong and Dongyoung are in the world, they  _ will _ end up like this; With Taeyong waking up tucked in Dongyoung’s arms, sore and fresh bruises on his skin. 

Fresh bruises on his heart.

And it’s some time after Paris, after Montreal, somewhere tucked on the platform on State/Lake— the Chicago Theater marquee illuminating the platform in the place of the broken lights. A warm hue coats them both as the first snowfall of their trip. Dongyoung pulls Taeyong close.

There’s something magical about Chicago— maybe it’s the air or the years Taeyong’s danced this dance but something about the city changes Dongyoung too. The contrast of winter wind and their gazes held— the train pulls out of the platform as Dongyoung leans into Taeyong’s space. 

His lips warm and welcoming, the heat pooling in the pit of Taeyong’s stomach just before it seeps into every fiber of his being. A kiss stole outside of their little world, out in the open for anyone to see— for anyone to interpret this as they will. Something out of Taeyong’s control and it’s thrilling. 

It’s easy for Taeyong to kiss Dongyoung back, to let himself think this will turn a new leaf and this will be where Dongyoung will finally see Taeyong as beautifully as he sees him. Taeyong hooks his fingers deep into Dongyoung’s jacket, his mouth molding into his as Dongyoung says, “Just needed that. For warmth, hope you don’t mind.” 

“I don’t.” Taeyong forces. Taeyong can’t say why he can't put his finger on it but it’s not what he wants to hear. Not what he thought he’d hear. And just a fraction, just a little bit of Taeyong’s heart cracks.

Their train pulls into the platform and it’s once the doors open that Taeyong decides the next time he sees Dongyoung will be his last.

For the sake of his heart, For the peace of his mind.

-

Taeyong burns his tongue with hashbrowns the moment he stuffs a forkful into his mouth. Both of them know it’s too much but Dongyoung lets him be. “Why are you always so hungry after?”

Taeyong chews fast, reaching for his coke to wash down his food before he speaks as Dongyoung mixes his chili into his hash browns. “I eat so you don’t fool around later. Remember Montreal?” He whispers like someone else in the restaurant knows about what happened. Dongyoung hates when it’s brought up and ducks his head to shovels food into his mouth in favor of talking. 

Montreal goes like this— days of back to back fucking after meals, fucking whenever they’re not out in the city and eventually, thanks to Dongyoung’s neediness, Taeyong’s willingness to bend and his worn-out body, Taeyong pukes out his lunch and spends the last two days in Montreal viewing it from their hotel room with a guilty Dongyoung holding him tight. 

Taeyong dumps more ketchup on his hashbrowns as the door chimes out and Dongyoung sits up straight, “Don't look now, Johnny’s just walked in.” And sure enough, a familiar voice fills the place.

_ Suh Johnny _ , as much as Taeyong would love to hate him, he can’t bring himself to. Not when Johnny has been nothing but kind to Taeyong. Even if he has the smallest inkling of what’s going on between Dongyoung and Taeyong. Taeyong takes a sip of his coke, “Have you talked to him yet?”

Dongyoung frowns, his fork hitting the bottom of the plate hard. “What am I suppose to say?” He shoves a piece of egg in his mouth, “‘ _ Hey sorry I cried last time we slept together, I just love you so much? _ ’” 

And Taeyong’s throat closes at the mention of it, even if he knows it already. It just stings a little. But he knows Johnny has something he doesn’t— the advantages of growing up with Dongyoung. Taeyong will never have that. Taeyong will never be able to have something that is connected to Dongyoung. And it’s no wonder Dongyoung’s got a crush. No wonder Johnny probably adores him back.

Johnny’s nice though, good for Dongyoung and Taeyong’s only gotten to meet him a couple of times when Dongyoung had dragged him to a neighborhood party just to see him. Johnny commands the room— Johnny knows who he is. “Dongyoung,” His voice booms as he makes his way to their table. Amusing to watch Dongyoung coward in his seat, his body language changing and his cheeks dusted pink. Johnny lays a firm hand on Taeyong's shoulder, “Taeyong, you’re in town?” 

Taeyong glances up, smiling as he answers, “Yeah, just for a bit though, couldn’t afford a week like usual.” 

Johnny pouts, “Will you be here Friday night? I’m throwing a little  _ friends _ giving gathering for everyone.” He chuckles and Taeyong can’t help himself when his smile gets wider, genuine because that’s the thing about Johnny— that’s why Taeyong can understand why Dongyoung likes him so much when all Johnny does is radiate charm that draws you in. Taeyong scrunches his nose, “I leave Friday morning, but I’m sure Dongyoung would go to keep you company.” 

Dongyoung shakes his head, “I don’t know, John.” His foot comes to kick Taeyong playfully under the table but Taeyong kicks back. Johnny shrugs, “I don’t know, I’d kinda really like if you came.” He smiles, “Even if you don’t come, my mom’s still dragging me to yours for that dinner party your mom’s so excited about.”

And it clicks then why Dongyoung invited him to thanksgiving. Taeyong’s heart stops for a second, a pain in his chest and it all makes sense in the bigger scheme of things. Dongyoung’s been talking about Johnny since January,  _ something _ changed in January and it’s no wonder Dongyoung only assumed his mother would invite the Suhs to thanksgiving dinner. Taeyong’s just a buffer between their awkwardly developing relationship and both of their failures to express their feelings towards each other. Taeyong’s going to be there to be the wall between them. A failsafe.

He doesn’t like that. Dongyoung nervously smiles at Johnny, a smile Taeyong’s only seen once when they had met up for the first time offline. “Yeah, I’ll see you then.” 

Johnny reaches out to squeeze Dongyoung’s shoulder, his hand sliding down his arm until his fingers linger on Dongyoung’s wrists. Something small but intimate and Dongyoung reacts so obviously, so nervous and worked up. “Bye guys,” Johnny says as he leaves. Taeyong watches him go and when he turns back to Dongyoung, he’s shoveling his food fast into his mouth. Red from his ears, all down his neck and Taeyong sags into his seat. 

If Taeyong’s here to save Dongyoung, he might as well start now. He lifts his arm up, waving down a server as he asks, “Two to-go boxes please.”

-

Taeyong has a weird thing about holidays.

It’s just not a big deal in his household, given his mother usually worked holidays and came home tired. And today makes him feel so out of his element as he sits between Dongyoung and Johnny at a folded out table with their entire families all conversing and all passing plates around. A sense of community Taeyong’s never really gotten to experience and it’s a little overwhelming. He looks over to Johnny for help as his mother presses Taeyong for questions about his job and Dongyoung’s hand rests loosely behind him just as Johnny rests a hand on his knee. His body eases into it but his mind goes a million miles. 

His body tenses as much as he tries to relax but it’s just weird. 

Dongyoung’s family loves tradition though and after dinner, they move everyone to the living room for more. Taeyong loses Dongoyung and Johnny from his field of vision as one of Dongyoung’s aunts links their arms together but he figures not to press for more questions, not to cause a scene. 

It’s a bit nice to have Dongyoung’s family acting like he’s always been there like they see Taeyong every year and Dongyoung’s younger cousin, Jaehyun, rescues him from the clutches of every auntie’s prying questions. He leads them into the den and Jaehyun sticks out his arms, a girl running to cling to him as he smiles at Taeyong. “My kid,” He explains. “Yerim say hi.” 

Taeyong tries his best to smile as welcomingly as he can but Yerim doesn’t budge, turning her head and Jaehyun pats her back. “Don’t take it personally,” He assures Taeyong as he frowns. “She’s shy.”

Jaehyun smiles and Taeyong eases into his personality. He spends the night talking about anything, about Yerim, about his career and Taeyong appreciates the breath of fresh air their conversation is compared to Dongyoung’s aunts asking if he has a girlfriend back home. With Yerim testing the waters, handing Taeyong random objects until she finally gathers the courage to climb into his lap. “Yerim!” 

Taeyong waves Jaehyun off as Yerim turns her head, adjusting her head on his shoulder. “It’s fine.”

Jaehyun laughs, “Don’t say that because she’s due for a nap and it looks like you’re the chosen one.”

Taeyong rubs Yerim back once she yawns, “I guess I am.”

-

The night winds down, the conversations dying out as people start to leave and the children start to sleep. Taeyong almost forgets he’s in Georgia, that this isn’t his family and that Jaehyun will have to take Yerim and leave at the end of the night. “We should get going.” Jaehyun hums as they watch Yerim snuggle up further into Taeyong’s arms.

Taeyong pushes the hair plastered to her face out of the way, “I’ll walk you out. I don’t think Yerim wants to let me go.” He laughs as she pouts sleepily. Jaehyun laughs and it feels like home for just a second— feels like Taeyong belongs here.

-

Jaehyun’s car pulls away from the curb, the neighborhood’s quiet as Taeyong stands outside for a beat more. He thinks,  _ nothing good coming out of that _ , his father used to say. Some of the other houses start to light up with Christmas lights and Taeyong looks on as he climbs each step slowly. He misses his mother and for some reason, he’ll miss this. But he doesn’t want to. He pauses on the top step, pulling his sweater close as his breath turns into fog,  _ maybe I could stay, maybe I could come back. _

_ Maybe I do belong here. _ Maybe he fits into Dongyoung’s life. But then he’s doing it again. Thinking about Dongyoung, like he’s made to be here only  _ for _ Dongyoung. Taeyong shakes his head to will his thoughts away because it’s a bad road to go down. Taeyong fears it— the idea that maybe he’s forgotten who he is beyond being in love with Dongyoung, beyond taking trips and taking time to see Dongyoung. It’s become such a regular thing in his life that maybe he lives only for that. 

His chest tightens as he turns the very moment the door swings open with Johnny stepping out, “Oh Taeyong,” His hair is mused and his lips swollen like he’s been kissed silly and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out where he had been.  _ With Dongyoung _ , his mind supplies.  _ Probably in the same bed he fucked you in two days ago _ . His fingers curl around the cuff of his sleeves. It still doesn’t hurt any less, still doesn’t make the blow soften by knowing it’s true. Taeyong’s breath stops as he forces a tight-lipped smile. “I was just leaving, I wanted to say bye.” Johnny continues.

Taeyong forces a laugh, completely not like his voice coming out. “Well, you found me. Sorry, again I won’t be there tomorrow.” He adds, his chest tightening and heat rising in his neck. He feels embarrassed, he feels out of place again. Of course, he’s stupid to even think for a second that maybe he could fit into Dongyoung’s life. But looking at Johnny, seeing the way Johnny had stolen glances at Dongyoung during dinner and the not-so-subtle way Dongyoung’s fingers graze Johnny’s jacket sleeve behind Taeyong’s chair. The way they had snuck off after and left Taeyong behind— physically and maybe Taeyong understands that it extends to other aspects of their lives too. Taeyong can feel the years of their friendship starting to untangle, the grips and the connections weakening as Johnny looks at him. 

_Johnny_ _knows_ , he thinks. There’s no way he couldn’t. But Dongyoung’s chosen Johnny. Taeyong knows this.

Johnny shakes his head, “It’s no biggie. I just hope you have a safe flight home, okay?” 

“Yeah. I will.” Taeyong whispers weakly.

Johnny smiles big as he pulls Taeyong in for a hug, “I’ll see you next time alright? Goodnight Taeyong.” He says as he pushes past him and skips down the steps.  _ A skip in his step _ . Dongyoung and Johnny have progressed past him, he doesn’t belong here. Taeyong’s mind reels, watching as Johnny walks down the sidewalk before he disappears out of view. Taeyong stays put, his heartbreaking, his mind blanking, and the wind blows past him. 

It sinks. Dongyoung will never be his.

_ Dongyoung could’ve never been his _ .

Taeyong is an idiot.

-

“I’ll miss you when you leave.” Dongyoung whispers against his skin later that night. 

_ Same bed! Same bed! Johnny was here!  _ His mind lingers on, his mind taunts, and he screws his eyes shut tight.

Dongyoung’s arms are wound tight around Taeyong, his chest warm against his back. Taeyong’s mind wanting to allow himself to think they’re lovers like in Paris, like in Montreal, like in Chicago and Taeyong wills the tears in his eyes away. He can’t come back, no matter how much he loves Dongyoung— he realizes he doesn’t have a place in Dongyoung life anymore. 

Dongyoung’s toes dig into his calf playfully, a deep sigh released against his neck. “Thanks for being here, Taeyong.”

Taeyong sucks in a deep breath, “No problem.”

-

The look Dongyoung gives him gives Taeyong a bit of hope, even for a second— but just for that second Taeyong has hope. Just a second longer to delude himself before he has to push on. Before he had to break his own heart. The broken expression and confusion on Dongyoung’s face makes him want to take back his words but he repeats it again. For the sake of his heart, he adds. “I’m serious, Dongyoung. I think we should stop seeing each other.” 

Dongyoung leans back against the car door in disbelief, “You’re joking? Right?” He forces a hollow laugh, “That’s not very funny Taeyong. Stop playing.”

Taeyong’s heart stops, “I’m not joking.” He lets his eyes drop down to his shoes, choking up as he steadied his breathing. Running over his words like he practiced. “I just think you’ve outgrown me. I don’t belong here.” He whispers and Dongyoung’s eyes turn sad the moment he allows their gazes to lock again— as if Dongyoung can finally see the pain deeply etched into Taeyong’s soul. 

“I’m sorry.” Dongyoung whispers, “I--”

“Why are you sorry?” Taeyong cuts in. He leans forward, comforting Dongyoung. His palm caressing Dongyoung’s cheek, “It’s me.” And Dongyoung frowns, lips parting to interject but Taeyong shakes his head, “Let me talk.”

Dongyoung nods, “Okay.”

Taeyong loosens his grip, “I’ve spent so many years looking for your approval, for your reassurance as you grew into your own. I felt like every time we were together I lost a part of myself trying to please you. And- and I  _ know _ you didn’t ask that of me but Dongyoung, you’re not completely oblivious right? You know I’m in love with you? That I’ve grown more and more infatuated with you as the years passed. But I don’t know myself past loving you… it feels like I  _ only _ exist to love you.”

Taeyong’s hand slides down Dongyoung’s cheek, resting in his shoulder, “Especially yesterday. Dongyoung. I don’t belong here.” 

Dongyoung’s eyes water, his breath shaky as Taeyong whispers, “We need space.  _ I _ need space.” Taeyong’s heart finally splits in two as a tear rolls down Dongyoung’s cheek. Still so beautiful even when he’s sad. “So I took that job in London I told you about, I’ll be gone for a couple of years and I think that should be enough space.” He tries to chuckle as more tears roll down Dongyoung's face. 

Dongyoung holds Taeyong’s wrist tight. “You can’t.” His voice is unstable and Taeyong can’t look him in the eyes. “I love you. Taeyong. I love you so much. I do. I love you back. Please. Don’t leave me.” He pleads, he begs and Taeyong shakes his head. “You don’t. Not the way I love you and that’s okay because you know who you do love? You know who has a place--”

“Don’t. Taeyong. Please don’t do this.” He cries.

Taeyong hushes him, “You know who has a place in your life? Johnny.” And now Dongyoung is openly sobbing, his body racking with ugly sobs, whispers escaping him as Taeyong pulls him close to comfort him. His voice is gentle as he whispers, “You love him, I can tell and Dongyoung, he loves you.” 

Dongyoung nuzzles into Taeyong’s shoulder, wetting the fabric with his tears as Taeyong soothes his back. “I’m so sorry.” Dongyoung wails, “I’m so sorry. I’m such a bad person. I’m such an asshole. I should’ve loved you, I should've tried harder too.” 

Taeyong finally lets a tear roll down his cheek, “You’re not a bad person.” Taeyong plants a tender kiss on Dongyoung’s ear, “You could never be a bad person. I just loved you too much.” 

Dongyoung’s body shakes, his fingers digging into Taeyong’s hips, into his skin and maybe it’ll bruise— the last reminder that Dongyoung was real when he gets home. Dongyoung does not want to let go and Taeyong thinks for a split second maybe he’s making the wrong decision. Maybe he shouldn’t have broken their hearts but when Dongyoung finally pulls away, wiping his tears dry—Taeyong knows that he’s making the right decision.

Dongyoung looks him in the eyes, and Taeyong gives him a soft smile. A small chuckle. “See you in another life, Kim Dongyoung.” 

Dongyoung smiles, a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. But Taeyong will always remember him as beautiful as he is. “See you, Lee Taeyong.” He whispers.

**Author's Note:**

> \-- originally dotae were supposed to end up together but I feel like this ending felt more natural and genuine with the kind of relationship I built for them.


End file.
